Metal Album Solid
by Loodlelood
Summary: An alternate universe where Snake is a nigh-unstoppable God of destruction, and every problem can be solved with fire. Various adventures are had, and genocide is committed. Quite often, actually.
1. Chapter 1

The World is a FUCK

The sound of the two bodies crashing at such a velocity was a melody of the purest hate imaginable, and Snake relished the sound as he used his free hand to set multiple bushes in the Local Park aflame. The Terrorist's bodies, under the stress of an incalculable velocity, caught flame amidst the strikes they were being used to inflict. Snake took advantage of his weapons newest upgrade, and gleamed with joy as he consumed the volatile corpse. Over his Codex his compatriot Otacon questioned his technique.

"Snake, only the barbarian craves the flesh humane! In the eyes of Gods and Men this is madness!"

"In the eyes of Gods and Men, I am last thing that is seen." Snake blasphemed in his inexhaustible hunger and rage.

The mission he found himself on was simple: Let loose the flames of Hell, and may Terror be fucked. Snake shed a tear as he screeched the Pledge of Allegiance, and curb stomped the nearest Terrorist thirty-six and a half times. The monster was rendered into its base components under the weight of Sin itself, and in the wind it blew away as dust. The pride of a nation swelling within him, Snake lifted from the ground and assailed the Terrorist's vehicle. The armour of the Truck was as thick as the seed of a Lumberjack, yet none could withstand the ferocity of Snake's Psycho Crusher. The truck, now as devastated as your Mother last night, could harbour no life. The twisted metal of the ruined vehicle formed a flaming crucifix upon which the enemies of man were strewn haphazardly. It made for a most fitting set piece for the slaughter that Snake was to commence momentarily. Snake's head rotated one hundred and eighty degrees to stare into the fearful eyes of his next victims. Snake rocketed towards his foes, and for a brief moment came to a realization. A realization of cosmic proportions. The world is a Fuck

"The World Is A Fuck." Snake said to the World, which was also a Fuck, as he fucked the World. The World that was a Fuck, that is.

A group of Terrorist Ninjas arrived to lend aid to their fellows, only to find Snake frothing at the mouth with patriotism. "Forlorn are we, for whom the bells toll!" Cried the Ninjas as Snake suplexed a Nissan Altima 2006 onto their delicate ninja bodies with enough force to split the atom. Nuclear hellfire enveloped the city, evolving the Pokemon that is Humanity into the purity of the skeleton form. Standing amidst God's love for man, snake received a call from the President himself.

"Snake, thanks to you the Radical Feminists have returned to Tumblr!"

"Metal Gear!?" Screamed Snake in confusion.

"Yes Snake, Metal Gear!" Revolver Ocelot declared from atop an obelisk of obsidian and brimstone.

"OCELOT!? But if we were never the one to take risks for the children, then where amongst our fleeting souls can atonement be found!?" Inquired a worried Snake.

"Yes!" Answered Ocelot, as he stood shredding on his bitchin' guitar.

Realizing that he was the president all along, Snake knew what he must do. Gripping the Tower of Blasphemes, he propelled himself into space through sheer hate. Glaring at Ocelot with murderous intent, Snake invoked his patron deity Mictlantecuhtli, the Aztec God of Death. Gripping the Sun with both hands, Snake remembered to lift with his legs. A look of mild concern flashed across Ocelot's face, but he smiled coolly nonetheless.

"You incongruously incompetent idiot! The Sun cannot burn me at night!"

Snake was shocked, for how could he forget such a basic law of thermodynamics? This was, of course, before Snake remembered that in darkest night shone brightest light. Activating his The World is a Fuck Lantern Ring, he commanded Thermodynamics to go fuck itself. Through the asexual reproduction exhibited by concepts, a new Law of Thermodynamics was born. Revolver Ocelot's immunity was no more, for now the Sun could burn him at night. Swinging with all his might, Snake slammed the Sun into Ocelot with enough force to send all instances of Ocelot's existence through time and into themselves, all at once and forever. Having succeeded in slaying Terrorism, Snake took a somber final look at his home.

He looked back on his days as a librarian, handing out flowers for children to use as bookmarks, and teared up at the thought of his beautiful garden withering without him. Then, from his Codex came a voice most soothing. A voice that reminded him of his will to live. Otacon.

"Snake, don't you die on me! Who's going to tend to our gardens? Who will raise Sunny!?"

Thinking long and hard on what he would leave behind, Snake decided that his time had not yet come.

"One day I will wade out into the waters of oblivion, but this is not that day!"

Snake focused on his understanding of the universe, and moved it a few miles to the left with his magical mind powers that he had for reasons. Now within gravity's reach, Snake fell to the earth finally ready to live a life of peace. Fate, however, had other plans for our hero. Snake looked across the city where he had landed and beheld the onset of a new opponent. From the clouds came hundreds of blimps, each emblazoned with some sort of short crucifix. From each blimp a thousand figures wreathed in flames descended. It was then that Snake knew his prey. The Nazi Fire-elementals had come, and no mercy would be had this day. No mercy for the Nazis at least. Rushing to the Townhall using his roller skates, Snake made it just in time to interrupt the mayor's speech and to warn the townsfolk of their impending doom. The mayor graciously moved aside upon realizing that Snake was the president, and grew fearful as Snake spoke of the coming danger.

"I want an America where violent criminals and Halliburton board members cannot make a mockery of our precious oil supply. Unlike myself, my opponent wants an America where Exxon Mobil executives and sex workers can take away our brave police force. My opponent is conspiring with filthy hobos, Chilean miners and smelly hippies! Know this: that I support our basic democratic principles, our young entrepreneurs and our promise for tomorrow. I will not stand for an America where overseas manufacturers and socialists can undermine our innocent children!"

The crowd stared in awe of their elected overlord, and his words were well received. Taking up arms, the citizens of that nameless town gave their lives to stop the Nazi Fire-elementals, and it was their sacrifice that saved America.

"That sure was an amazing story, Snake!" Sunny exclaimed months later, whilst Snake patted her head. After wishing her sweet dreams he left the room and stood before Otacon.

"Do you think it's over, Snake?"

"No Otacon, I don't think it will ever be over. We stand here, lording over the world around us, without ever giving thought to what could possibly give us the right. So long as we have something to gain from it, then nothing is off limits."

"Well I guess that's why Humanity has been blessed with heroes to keep us safe from ourselves." Otacon offered to his weary partner. "Blessed with you."

Snake, however, could not help but worry about urban violence.

Thank you for supporting Snake on this little adventure of his! And if I, the humble author, may make a request, I would like this of you: Please leave a review describing your enjoyment, disgust, or simple displeasure with this small clusterfuck of nonsensical madness. Thank you for reading up to this point.


	2. Chapter 2: The Heart of Communism

Cancerous Murder Shit.

Lost amidst his dreams, Snake found himself gazing upon the masses he had slain. Lives cut short, all in name of his nation. He did not regret the life he had lived, but at times he wondered what turns his life could have taken had he given up on revenge. And there it was. The source of his anger. He would never forget that dreary and overcast morning, standing amidst the grey filtered rays of the sun. The autumnal breeze blew softly over the world around him, and he thought the world to be good. But then his way of life had been so brutally ripped away from him. His parents had been kidnapped by Cyborg-Pagan-Satanists, just as they had took his adopted spanish bastard twin step-brother all those years before. "Mommy!" He had cried, yet she had little to say to her young child.

"LISTEN HERE FAGGOT! TAKE THEIR SKULLS AND FUCK THEIR SOULS N' SKULLS! YOU MUST, FOR AMERICA! SOULS N' SKULLS, SOULS N' SKULLS!"

These words were the last lesson imparted to him by his mother, a Khornate Berserker known only as "SKULLFUCK", and these words would drive him in his quest for answers. A sudden crash heard from the living room returned Snake from the realm of the sleeping, and he grabbed the nearest flaming skull in case of a volunteer. What he saw, rather than a willing participant for he and Otacon's ravenous murder-orgies, was his long time friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger. The look upon his old friend's face was grim and warned of a terrible occurrence. Telepathically communicating to Snake with his shamanic mysticism, Arnold informed Snake of the evil plot that had gripped the world.

"Snake, I warn you now of an impending threat. The forces of communism have awakened from their slumber beneath the waves of the Moon's ocean. Go now, and murder it to death!"

"I will, thank you Arnold!" Snake said, taking a bite out the flaming skull.

Rushing off to a nearby Walmart to buy pharmaceutical supplies that Otacon had forgot to pick up, he reflected on what he knew of the Moon Communists. Acquiring the over the counter medicine needed to treat Sunny's headache, Snake remembered his brief career as a historian, astronomer, and astronaut respectively. The knowledge he accrued throughout his many jobs would prove invaluable, as he doubted that higher education had been invented in bottom of the Moon's oceans yet. Throwing the medication towards his home, the medicine broke the sound barrier, crashing through and liquefying an entire street gang. Back home, Otacon caught the supersonic projectile absently, as he was too busy reading his various Animu and Mangos.

Proud of his household accomplishment, Snake grasped his own foot. He began spinning himself in this fashion, defying all known laws of physics, and threw himself into the vacuum of space. The speed of his movements resulted in the shattering of all eardrums within three kilometers. All aside from Otacon and Sunny, for Otacon was used to it and was a responsible parent and forbid Sunny from breaking her eardrums. Kids today.

Entering the vacuum of space was a simple task. Using his hatred to gravitate himself towards the Moon, Snake quickly fashioned a chainsaw out of the unfiltered solar radiation he was basking in. He did not have time to prepare for this mission, and as such would take any opportunity to create one as needed. Landing upon the Moon's surface, Snake surveyed his surroundings. Wearing his pajamas and wielding a chainsaw forged of the Sun's flames, Snake was sure of his ability to murder. It was then that he noticed the Moon's humble natives that had arrived to greet him. They resembled spiders, made of human faces, twisted and snapped into a humanoid form. Their eight limbs each screamed for death separately, however Snake could not speak the Eskimo tongue. Each of their hundred eyes bled a viscous and baleful ichor, which combusted upon falling to the ground. On their abdomen, a single vertical mouth, each tooth possessing its own human-like eye. The eyes on the left seemed to weep in unfathomable despair, whereas the right bulged with unrestrained fury. Each hand was a separate and fully formed Grizzly Bear, and their heads were floating skulls adrift within a collar of elongated finger-bones sprouting from their neck stumps. Finally, each seemed to be accompanied by pets which happened to be Luchador mask wearing land-sharks made of barbed wire.

Snake quickly realized that these beasts were not friendly Moon-Lich-Bandits as he had previously thought. They were communist.

Snake screamed in tongues long forgotten as drug his chainsaw along the length of his first foe's body, tearing the flesh and murder-raping the soul within. Spinning with the rage of a sentient blood tornado, Snake cleaved through his first victim's immediate family. Bathing in their acidic and flammable blood he felt at home. Snake let loose a roar of supreme hate, and kicked an alien in their chest mouth, shattering dozens of small fangs and bursting their singular eyes. Now sprawled helplessly on the floor, Snake dislocated his jaw and prepared for his newest meal. Devouring his own chainsaw, Snake was empowered by its radioactive essence. Exploding in a light of nuclear might, Snake once again found himself responsible for the extinction of an entire species. Not even the Luchedor land-sharks made of barbed wire had survived, nor would they find themselves ever spreading to the lands beyond. Snake does not give back what he takes.

The great force of Snake's massacre awoke something from deep beneath the ground, and Snake realized that he was on an island. The horizon was, in truth, a field of ice. Ice that had been blown away by Snake's lust for genocide. The visage of Arnold Schwarzenegger flickered into view, and Snake knew he had been deceived. Arnold was merely a psychic projection used to lure Snake to the Moon, for he knew the violence within Snake's heart, and knew he would slaughter the guardians keeping the true threat sealed under the primeval ice. From the great seas before him, a massive heart of flesh ascended to the sky. A single massive human heart, made of flesh and adorned with barbed tendrils where the arteries should be. It spoke in a thousand voices all of which both were and were not the same.

"I am the True Communism! The system of Communism, though not inherently flawed, has never been implemented due to human and situational inadequacies. A trustworthy leader who will never stray from justice. Resources to afford anything for anyone. The trust and love for one's fellow man. These are the things needed for proper implementation, and I will provide humanity with what they lack. I WILL GRANT HUMANITY A PERFECT WORLD! ANY WILL HAVE ALL, AND ALL WILL HAVE ANY! USING ALL OF MY POWER, I SHALL PROVIDE ALL OF HUMANITY WITH ANYTHING THEY NEED TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE!"

"Obviously you are the bad guy because you are a Communist. Communism is bad kids, stay in school and do not forget: Lady Liberty loves you, and she is no one's bitch. Especially not a floating mass of tumors like you!"

Realizing that Snake was, quite literally, too insane to reason with, the True Communism attempted a psychic assault of Snake's eternal abyss of a mind. The Heart's vision blackened, showing only an endless void. Crimson shadows, constantly fluctuating between the second and third dimension, slowly reached toward the Heart. With each passing second, every tendril would split in two. Eventually they were not tendrils, but a single mass. Within the red mass various shadow began to dance and play. The Heart could not look away, and he bore witness to the full of Snake's dark knowledge. What the creature saw was every possible way to kill and inflict suffering, and then more. The number of deaths he saw was greater than the sum of all possible knowledge in this reality. The sheer paradox of the situation froze the Heart in place, for how could Snake know more than there is to Know? The horror of every facet of this situation broke the Heart's sanity, and he ceased to think.

Taking this opportunity to slay this monster, Snake, the hero, picked up the skulls of all of the Moon's inhabitants that had not turned to dust. He fashioned a great mechanical monstrosity out of the countless corpses, and now piloted his newest creation. Punching the Moon in half, Snake stepped onto the side where the Heart floated over. Grasping the opposite side, Snake hurled it into the Heart at full force, thus crashing the Moon into itself.

Snake decided to quit politics.

Thank you once more for reading through the latest chapter of this monstrosity of a Fanfic. I envy your fortitude.


	3. Chapter 3: Infinite bullets: On fire

FUCKING FUCK FUCK

"ONCE UPON A FUCKING TIME THERE A PRETTY LITTLE FUCKING PRINCESS AND SHE WAS THE FUCKING FAIREST BITCH IN THE LAND

SHE WAS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL THAT ALL THE BITCHES BE HATIN'

ONE DAY THE BITCHES SAID THEY GO'N KILL THE SHIT OUTTA HER

THE BITCHES TRIED TO KILL THE SHIT OUTTA THE PRINCESS, BUT HER KUNG-FU WAS STRONGER

THE BITCHES REALIZED THEY DUN FUCKED UP, AND THE BITCHIEST LITTLE BITCH PULLED A GUN

THE PRETTY LITTLE FUCKING PRINCESS PICKED UP A ROCK AND FUCKING BASHED THE BITCHIEST BITCH OVER HER BITCHY LITTLE BITCH HEAD

SHE DIED LIKE A BITCH

BLOODY AND BROKEN

PICKING UP THE BITCH'S GUN, THE LITTLE PRINCESS UNFUCKINGLOADED THE DAMN MAGAZINE ON THE FUCKING HATERS

SHE WAS LIKE 'BANG BANG MOTHERFUCKER' AND SHIT WAS CASH

BUT THEN SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT TO DO LITTLE PRINCESS SHIT LIKE SAYING PLEASE AND THANK YOU BEFORE WASTING A NIGGA

SHE THOUGHT THAT WASN'T VERY CASH MONEY OF HER

SHE FUCKING HATED BEING A PRINCESS, BUT SHIT PAID THE BILLS

BUT THEN HER FUCKING PRINCESS SENSES WERE LIKE 'YO SHIT THEM DEMONS UP IN THIS BITCH' SO SHE WAS LIKE 'I WILL KILL THE DEMONS' BUT HER PRINCESS SENSES WERE ALL HATIN' LIKE ' YOU CAN'T DO THE THING' AND SHE WAS FUCKING LIKE 'FUCK YES I CAN' AND THEN SHE WENT TO DO THE THING

SO SHE WENT TO THE MARKET AND SAW THE DEMON FROM HELL AND WAS LIKE 'I'MMA EXORCISM Y'ALL'

THE DEMONS WERE LIKE 'SHIT BITCH, WE AIN'T DEMONS, WE DAEMONS' AND THEY WAS DAEMONS NOW

'I DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS' SAID THE PRINCESS, WHO HAD NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

REGARDLESS, THE PRINCESS WAS JUST LIKE 'FUCK YOU' AND TORE OUT ONE OF THEIR FUCKING SKULLS

AND THEY WAS LIKE 'OH SHIT BITCH'

AND SHE WAS ALL 'DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER' CAUSE SHE WAS A PRINCESS BUT ALSO A DUDE THOUGH

AND SHE FUCKING SKULL FUCKED THE DAEMONS SO HARD THAT THE SKULL DEVELOPED IT'S OWN SOUL JUST TO EXPERIENCE THIS SPECIAL NEW HELL

THE DAEMONS WAS ALL 'FUUUUUUUCK' AND SHE WAS ALL 'I WILL' AND THEY WAS LIKE 'SHIIIIIIIT' AND SHE WAS LIKE 'YOU ARE' AND THIS IS THE NEW WORLD MOTHERFUCKER

A NEW PERFECT WORLD

THE PRETTY LITTLE PRINCESS CALLED UPON THE FOUR BIKERS OF THE APOCALYPSE

FROM DEATH, SHE STOLE THE SCYTHE BY WHICH LIVES ARE ENDED

FROM FAMINE, SHE GOT TO LAUGH AT SICK SKELETON PUNS

FROM CONQUEST, SHE GOT SOME MORE AMMO FOR THE BITCH GUN

FROM WAR, SHE FORCIBLY SATISFIED HER SEXUAL DESIRES AMIDST RIVERS OF WAR'S TEARS

AND THEN THE LITTLE PRINCESS WAS FUCKING SWOLE AS FUCK LIKE HOT DAMN SHE SWOLE

AND SHE WAS RECITIN' THE LYRICS TO 'THE ONLY THING I KNOW FOR REAL' WHILE SHE KILLED THE DAEMON BITCHES

SHE WAS CUTTING THOSE FUCKERS DOWN LIKE 'THE MOUNTAINS DON'T GIVE BACK WHAT THEY TAKE' AND SHIT

AND THEN SHE FUCKING 'RULES OF NATURE'ED THE FUCKING DIMENSION IN HALF

AND THEN THE FUCKING HOLE IN THE UNIVERSE SHAT OUT INFINITE BULLETS AND EVERYTHING WAS A CRUSADE FOREVER

AND ALL THE BULLETS WERE SINGING THE FUCKING METAL GEAR RISING SOUNDTRACK AND THE BULLETS HAD KNIVES OR SOMETIMES GUNS

LIKE

'LOSING MY IDENTITY, WONDERING IF I'VE GONE INSANE

TO FIND THE TRUTH IN FRONT OF ME, I MUST CLIMB THIS MOUNTAIN RANGE'

AND SHE FUCKED THE DAEMON'S SHIT UP SO BAD THAT MOTHERFUCKING DOOMGUY SHOWED UP AND SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS HIS DAUGHTER/SON HOLY SHIT WOW

BUT THEN THE DAEMONS INVENTED NUCLEAR BOMBS AND SHOT THEM AT THEM AND THEY WERE LIKE 'YOUR NUKES ARE AS SMALL AS YOU' AND THE DAEMONS WERE SAD ABOUT THEIR BAD GENETICS

SO THEN THE NUKES EXPLODED AND THERE WAS FIRE AND RADIATION BUT THAT SHIT WAS LIKE VITAMINS TO THOSE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS

SO DOOMGUY FUCKING PICKED UP ALL THE FIRE AND FUCKING THREW IT AT THE INFINITE BULLETS AND THERE WAS FUCKING INFINITE FIRE TOO AND EVERYTHING WAS BULLETS AND FIRE AND HATE

AND THE LITTLE PRINCESS PICKED UP HER PRINCESS WAND AND COMMITTED MASS GENOCIDE ON HELL AND THE DAEMONS HAD TO FLEE TO SPACE BUT THAT'S WHERE MOST OF THE BULLETS ARE SO THEY DIED THERE AS WELL BUT NOT AS MUCH AS ON EARTH

BUT THEN THE FUCKING FIRST ALIENS THAT EVOLVED IN OUR GALAXY WERE ALL 'YOU FUCKED UP THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE DAMNIT, WE GOTTA FUCK YOU UP, BITCH'

BUT THEN DOOMGUY WAS ALL 'DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY DAUGHTER'S GENDER' AND THEN HE MADE EVERYTHING WORSE FOR EVERYONE FOREVER

AND THE ALIENS, THAT WERE ALL CRYSTALLY AND SHIT, STARTED MELTING AND EVERYTHING WAS EVEN MORE ON FIRE AND THE ALIEN'S MELTED CORPSES FORMED INTO A SINGLE MONOLITH DEDICATED TO DOOMGUY'S DAEMON SLAYING GIRTH

BUT THEN THE DAEMONS FOUND OUT THAT THE BULLET HAS THEIR OWN DAEMONS AND THEY TEAMED UP TO DO DAEMON SHIT TO STUFF

SO THEN THE PRETTY PRINCESS FUCKING SUPLEXED A DAEMON MADE OF FUCKING 25x137 M793 BULLETS WHILE DOOMGUY SHOT PURE DEATH FROM HIS DAEMON SLAYING BICEPS AT EVERYTHING

BUT THEN INFINITE CYBER-DAEMONS, WHICH ARE LIKE CYBER-DEMONS BUT WORSE, WERE SUMMONED INTO THE INFINITE BULLETSTORM

ALL OF THE CYBER-DAEMONS STARTED SHOOTING AT THE PRINCESS, BUT DOOMGUY TOLD THE BULLETS TO FUCKING DIE AND THEY DID

SHIT WAS TENSE AND STUFF BUT THEN HARRY FUCKING POTTER FROM HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHOWED UP ON A FUCKING DRAGON

HARRY FUCKING PUNCHED A DAEMON SO HARD THAT IT FLEW INTO ITSELF, RESULTING IN A TEMPORAL AND SPATIAL PARADOX THEN ALLOWED THE DAEMON TO REALIZE THE FALSE NATURE OF IT'S EXISTENCE

BUT THE DAEMON COULDN'T HANDLE BEING A FANFICTION CHARACTER AND CEASED EXISTING SO IT ONLY EXISTED IN THE WORDS DURING AND BEFORE ITS REALIZATION.

THE CYBER-DAEMONS WERE PISSED OFF, BUT HARRY'S DRAGON WAS A MOTHERFUCKING PSYCHIC GOD AND TELEKINETICALLY REDIRECTED THE INFINITE BULLETS TO FUCKING SHRED THE CYBER-DAEMONS AS THOUGH THEY WERE HARRY'S GUITAR, FUCKSLAYER

DOOMGUY AND HARRY TELEPATHICALLY EXCHANGED WORDS DESCRIBING THEIR HATRED FOR LITERALLY ALL THINGS ASIDE FROM WELL CRAFTED CLOCKS, WATCHES, AND OTHER ASSORTED TIMEPIECES.

THE DRAGON FLEW INTO A BULLET MAELSTROM AND USED ITS PSYCHIC POWERS TO ENSLAVE THE BULLETS TO IT'S UNNATURAL WILL

FLINGING BRASS AT THE SPEED OF FUCK YOU, THE DRAGON SHATTERED TIME ITSELF, AND NOW ALMOST ANYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED WAS BULLETS ALL ALONG

HARRY SET HIS COCK AFLAME WITH THE POWER OF THE DIVINE, AND FUCKED THE UNIVERSE SO HARD THAT NOW EVERYTHING WAS EVEN MORE ON FIRE, BUT NOW THE FIRE WAS HOLY

DOOMGUY FUCKING RIPPED AND TORE NEW HOLES IN THE UNIVERSE, SHOOTING INFINITE BULLETS IN CAREFULLY AIMED BEAMS AIMED EVERYWHERE

THE LITTLE PRINCESS STARTED EXPLODING BUT WAS SO BADASS THAT SHE JUST STOOD THERE AND EXPLOSIONS WERE EVERYWHERE NOW

THE INFINITE CYBER-DAEMONS WERE FUCKING KILLED

ALL OF THEM

OH SHIT THEY WOKE UP AN ELDER GOD

THE FUCKING EXTRA-DIMENSIONAL HORROR WAS LIKE 'WEIRD FUCKING NOISES AND SHIT' AND THEY WERE LIKE 'RIP AND TEAR' AND THEN THEY RIPPED AND TEARED

DOOMGUY WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME THAT THE ELDER GOD WAS DRIVEN TO MADNESS BY THE MERE SIGHT OF HIS SOUL

THEN IT LOOKED AT THE OTHERS AND IT WAS EVEN WORSE

THE ONLY WAY FOR THE ELDRITCH ABOMINATION TO COPE WITH THE TRAUMA WAS TO SURRENDER TO THE VOICES IN IT'S HEAD

IT GAVE IN TO THE MADNESS AND ADOPTED A FORM OF PURE ELDRITCH FLAMES, WHICH WAS LIKE NORMAL FIRE BUT MADE OF THE BLOOD OF THOSE THAT EXIST BEYOND THE VEIL OF REALITY

NOT EVEN THOSE OUTSIDE OF TIME COULD ESCAPE THE FLAMES NOW, AND NEVER AGAIN WOULD THE ENTITY THINK ANOTHER THOUGHT, FOR NOW IT WAS MERELY AN EXTENSION OF THEIR WILL

DOOMGUY AND HARRY AND THE PSYCHIC DRAGON GOD AND THE PRETTIEST PRINCESS DECIDED THAT THE STARS WERE AS OF YET UNMOLESTED, AND SET OUT TO RUIN EVERYTHING EVEN MORE FOREVER

BUT THEN THE PRINCESS REMEMBERED THAT SHE HAD A FAMILY

AND LIKE THE HERO SHE WAS, SHE LET GO OF HER DREAMS AND GREW UP

I'M SURE SHE WISHED SHE HAD GONE SOMETIMES, BUT SHE STILL STAYS

BECAUSE SHE KNOWS

FAMILY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD" Snake told his daughter, kissing her on the forehead.

"Is that why we're moving" Sunny asked from her bed.

"Yes Sunny. This universe is just a bit too unstable to raise you in."

"Okay."

"Allright Sunny. Sleep tight."

"Snake?"

"Yes Sunny?

"I love you."

"I love you too, Sunny."

Snake would never tell his daughter that Otacon was that Princess.

Remember, my dear readers, that family is just as important as universal genocide.


	4. Chapter 4: Sunny is tired of this shit

Sunny is tired of this shit.

Godless screams emanated from the accursed halls of the building that Sunny stood outside of. Sunny had objected to her enrollment in school, given her ample intelligence, but Otacon had insisted she would need this to eventually enter the workforce. The fact that this was an elementary school notwithstanding. Sunny wondered why it was that a consistent stream of profanity and curses were flooding through the barred windows. Sunny almost didn't notice, given that this was an ordinary occurrence in Snake's household, but she realized that this was supposed to be a public institute. Sunny walked through the metal gates of this odd building, and walked along a cold hallway until she came upon an ornate door. Slightly opening the door, she neither got on the floor nor walked the dinosaur. Instead, she peered into the chamber within.

Adolf Hitler swung his mighty blade with the force of a thousand very swole individuals. The golden blade he wielded was wreathed in yellow flames, and they ignited further with each strike. The scent of flames scorched the air within the throne room, and his opponent was absolutely joyous at the intensity of the fight. There was no light to be found in this room aside from the glow of the two blades, yellow flame and crimson static. The two opponents had spent this time analyzing each other's fighting style. Hitler learned that, should he ever stray to far from his foe, the dim light of his opponent's blade would vanish. This marked the sheathing of the blade, which meant the he would soon rush forth with a blinding strike. Scarlet sparks mingled with golden flames as each blade collided with killing force. The halls outside of the dimly lit room echoed with the sounds of clashing steel, warning all who would approach of the danger held inside.

Lunging towards one another, the two foes began a brisk flurry of blows. One strike thrown to parry another, on and on. Adolf may have been the most powerful psyker in existence at the moment, but Samuel Rodriguez, the brazilian samurai, was rad as fuck. With a swift cutting motion, Jetstream Sam was struck his blade across Hitler's golden breastplate. Recognizing his opponent as a threat, Hitler conjured a torrent of scorching white flames. Fire cascading from the ceiling above, Sam dashed from side to side, covering yards of distance to avoid the blazing death. Adolf grew fretful with each passing moment, for how could a lowly mortal challenge his immortal fury? Pain embraced Samuel as he chose to allow the flame contact with his skin, as the moment of damage had been judged worth the opportunity it would allow.

As fire burned around him, Samuel rushed towards Hitler and cleaved the warlord asunder. The psychic ruler let out inhuman sounds as he imploded into himself, leaving a hole by which an angry grizzly bear entered the world. The bear adopted a stance reminiscent of various eastern martial arts, and flew at Samuel who he had mistaken for a salmon. Realizing the dangers of nature, Sam decided to suplex a motherfucker. Suplexing a motherfucker with the force of an even bigger motherfucker, Sam murdered the shit outta stuff. Things got really weird after a while because Jetstream sam was fighting a bear, but I guess it could have been worse? I don't know.

The point is Sunny was confused as fuck, and she realized that she had arrived in the grim future of the year 2018. A year ruled by darkness in which evil was the way of the world, but even so light shone through the veritable dark. The children, so pure in their innocence, would prove to be the visionaries that would shape the future. Either way, Sunny decided to walk home.


	5. Chapter 5: Exterminate the Space Dragons

Lightning shaped like dragons being decapitated by luchadors with angel wings made of assault rifles flashed overhead as Snake rode alone through city streets on his flaming motorcycle made of thrice-killed skeletons. The city air was stagnant, heavy with the scent of magma-mammoths and hairspray. Snake weaved his way gracefully through minimal traffic as he pondered the meaning of war, all the while unaware of the looming darkness growing in strength over the city he had so come to love. Snake parked his skelecycle outside of skull-factory.

"I feel like fucking a skull." Snake said as he felt like fucking a skull, all the while preparing to procure a skull to fuck because he wanted to fuck a skull.

Snake entered the walmart and began to peruse its many skulls. Overall Snake was impressed by the great variety of the skulls on display, and he applauded the establishment for its commitment to skulls. Snake picked a skull from the shelf that housed them, itself also being made of skulls, and he walked over to the counter which was made of skulls. Snake approached the cashier, who was made of skulls, and handed him three skulls as payment for the skull. The cashier saw that Snake was paying for a skull with three skulls and realized that he owed him change. He handed Snake a skull, which was made of skulls, and wished him a good day, which was also made of skulls. Snake left the building through the skull, which was made of doors, and flew off into the night sky's horizon, which was made of our hope for a better tomorrow.

Snake floated aimlessly just within the reach of Earth's gravity. From his place on the outer cusp of the atmosphere he looked upon the Earth, which was made of skulls, and knew that it was good. Snake looked lovingly upon the skull he had purchased and realized that there was more to bloodlust than fucking skulls. He realized that he must also embrace the tender and loving side of murder, and he drifted calmly off to sleep as he held the skull, thinking of his family all the while.

Snake awoke to the sight of two astral dragons battling against the forces of space samurai in eighties sci-fi astronaut suits. Snake leapt over to the battlefield, which was made of skulls, and spoke to the commanding officer.

"I WISH TO VISIT DEATH UPON THE DEVOURERS OF STARS; I STAND NOW IN SPACE TO FACE THE DRAGONS."

"MY LEGIONS FIGHT ON EVEN NOW. COME AND BRING THE DEATH OF THESE STAR-BORN FALSE GODS."

Snake reached deeply into the sea of skulls he stood upon and pulled from within a cursed sword a terrible implication. It was forged in the center of a black hole by the wardens of the prior universe, and the runes along the blade told the story of the War of the Bone Hydras which nearly extinguished all life in the nightmare dimension. The flaming breath of the astral dragons collided with the space samurai who then became flaming space samurai. The dragons realized their mistake and then sought to smite them with the baleful lightning that dwelled within its blood. The two beasts unleashed the storm that formed within them, only for the space samurai legions to grapple the lightning. Holding tightly onto the bolt of lighting the space samurai legion heaved the still attached dragons into a nearby black hole which was fighting three neutron stars and winning. With a screech akin to the resounding crash of two doomed planets the dragons fused with the black hole which then fused with the neutron stars which then fused with an ocean of fire which was a little bit to the left of the scene which then turned to face the armies of the flaming space samurai. The flaming neutron black hole dragon in space then tore a hole into the murdersphere which let loose a torrent of pure hatred which the five hundred samurai punched to death. The laser made of hate cried in anguish as it lamented the tragic fate of its short life, and Solid Snake looked upon the tragedy in silent pity.

"SKREEONK" The dragon cried as it fucking kicked a planet in half.

The samurai army mimicked the technique of the dragon and fused into a single perfect form of shirtless sword wielding death. The flaming neutron black hole dragon in space pulled out a fucking gun and assailed the samurai amalgam with a veritable wave of gunfire, which was made of skulls. The samurai tore off its face and revealed that it was Optimus Prime, murdering with his sword each bullet as they came. Optimus Prime met the dragon in close quarters combat, and he saw that the dragon's kung fu was stronger.

"There can be no future without hope. I will become the beacon that lights the way to greatness."

In the last stand of the samurai Optimus Prime overloaded the infinite universes of flaming justice he kept in his chest as a powersource, unleashing an unending wave of space-splitting nuclear hate which brought down all the fury of Heaven and Hell upon the flaming neutron black hole dragon in space.

"I SWEAR UPON THE TRAIL OF CORPSES IN MY WAKE, I SHALL NOT LET YOUR SACRIFICE BE IN VAIN." Solid Snake shouted as he lunged towards the exposed soul of the dragon.

Snake picked up the two halves of the planet the beast had shattered, and brought the two pieces together again, the exposed spirit of the dragon serving as its new core. Snake punched the planet with apocalyptic force once more, and the force of his blow travelled to the dragon's soul in the center of the planet starting a chain reaction which detonated the soul and destroyed the planet.

"History will sing the song of the space samurai who died this day. The space samurai who died saving the universe. I name you proud souls heroes. May your skeletons forever wage war on the demons of skeleton hell."

Snake shed a single tear as he floated back towards Earth, promising that he would carry the memory of those who died here until he met his end.


End file.
